More Jokes

[Belle]

One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked:' Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator!'

[Belle]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.

[Belle]

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, “you do God’s work.”

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, “you protect the public.” The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, “you serve the justice system.”

The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

[Lobo Loco]

A dozen donuts, though.

[Belle]

A young man comes to the confessional:
"Forgive me father, I have sinned. I was with a woman of dubious morals."
The pastor asks, "Is that you, Jimmy?"
"Yes, it is I, father."
"And who was this woman you talk about?"
"I can't tell you that, father. I wouldn't want to sully her name."
"I'll find out sooner or later, so it doesn't matter if you tell me now. Was it that girl Kathy Miller?"
"I mustn't say."
"It was Mary Smith, wasn't it?"
"I am not telling."
"Sally Rogers?"
"I will be silent as a grave."
"How about Betty Teller, then?"
"Father, do not ask, I won't betray her."
"Then it must have been Peggy Jones?"
"Please, father, I vowed to remain silent."
The priest sighs reluctantly. "You truly are determined, Jimmy. I almost have to admire you. But you have sinned and you have to do penance for it. You are not allowed to show your face in this church for three weeks! Now go in peace."
Jimmy returns to his bench where his best friend greets him. "Well, how was it?"
"Great!"
"What did you get?"
"Three weeks of vacation and five good tips."

[Belle]

A man in the locker room of an upscale gym in NYC answers a cell phone and puts it on speaker while he dresses.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man : Hello?
Woman : Hi honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?
Man : Yes.
Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it?
Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.
Woman : I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special.
Man : How much?
Woman : $90,000.
Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
Woman : Great! Oh, and one more thing … I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market … they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it?
Man : I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want.
Woman : OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!
Man : I love you too. The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
The man turns around and says, “Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[Belle]

Pet fish

An old country boy with a bucket full of live fish was approached by a game Warden.

The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?"

"No, sir. Don't need one." These here are my pet fish." "Pet fish??" the game warden barked.

"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em

"HOGWASH! you're under arrest." He said.

"It's the truth. I'll show ya! We do this all the time!!"

"We do, now, do we?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"

He released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHAT?"

The warden asked, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?" "The FISH," replied the warden!

"What fish?"

[Belle]

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

“Thank you honey” she says, “is there anything I can bring back for you?”
He laughs and says, “an Italian girl.”
When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, “how was the trip?”
“Very good” she replies
“And what happened to my present?” he asks.
Confused, she replies “which present?”
“The one I asked for, the Italian girl” he answers.
With a sly grin she replies “Oh that. I did what I could, but we'll just have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl.”

[Belle]

BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

Dear Wife,
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal, and even wore a brand-new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your EX-Husband
PS don’t try to find me. Your SISTER, Carla, & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
.
.
.
Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping, too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a haircut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’
Since my mother raised me not to say anything if I can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers, I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So, when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone ... Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Your Free and Rich EX-Wife
PS … I hope you and my SISTER have a great life.
By-The-Way, did she tell you her name use to be 'Carl' before her operation?...